


Still Waiting On That Miracle

by beforeclocks



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Gen, Monologue, Post Reichenbach
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-25
Updated: 2012-04-25
Packaged: 2017-11-04 07:36:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/391368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beforeclocks/pseuds/beforeclocks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the first month or so, John visits Sherlock's grave at least once a week. These are the conversations he had when there. </p><p>Spoilers for Reichenbach.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Still Waiting On That Miracle

**Author's Note:**

> Partly inspired by [this](http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=745) A Softer World comic.

"Erm. Hmm. You... you told me once that you weren't a hero. Um, there were times when I didn't even think you were human, but let me tell you this: you were the best man, er, the most human... human being that I have ever known and no one will convince me that you told a lie. So... there.

"I was so alone and I owe you so much.

"Please, there's just one thing, one more thing, one more miracle for me, Sherlock. Don't be... dead. Would you- just for me, just stop it. Stop this."

\---

"I, er. Ha. I moved out of Baker Street today. Officially. God, that's hard to say out loud. I don't know what you'd think about that. You'd probably tell me I was an idiot and it's best to stay at home to deal with the grieving process. And I know that, but I don't feel like dealing with anything at the moment. Everything just feels so... strange without you there. I made two cups of tea this morning, because I was thinking about you. Not that I'm not always thinking about you, but this morning was just different. That's why I'm here, actually. My therapist says that I should be writing my thoughts down rather than saying them to your grave. Jesus, your grave, Sherlock.

"This is too hard."

\---

"Oh fucking fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

"She's such an arse. After everything I've done for her and she has the fucking nerve to turn up on my doorstep and invite herself in because she thinks I need 'looking after'. And then she sits there trying to make me talk as if that isn't what I'm doing with Ella. She thinks she's some sort of expert just because she's been to three fucking AA meetings.

"I'm still waiting on that miracle.

"Please."

\---

"It's three in the morning and I have no idea what I'm doing here.

"I had a nightmare. Before... before I hadn't had any for months and now... now I'm having them every fucking night. I can't stop blaming myself. For being so thoughtless. So stupid. There's just so much blood. More than I know there really was. And you look so pale and broken and fuck.

"At least there isn't any screaming."

\---

"Er. I saw your brother today. Well, I say saw. 'Was kidnapped by', is probably more accurate. He had a funny look in his eyes at a couple of points - when he thought I wasn't looking, I think - and I don't know, maybe I'm just clutching at straws, but it was like he knew something. Was hiding something, maybe.

"Or perhaps I've just finally gone insane."

\---

"It's been a month. Thirty days. You have no idea. Absolutely no idea what it's been like. It's as though I can't breath anymore. Sometimes whole hours pass and I don't even notice until the sun comes up or the postman shoves a fucking takeaway menu through the door. I never feel hungry anymore, either. I've had nothing but tea for the past three days and I think I could easily go another three.

"What's happening to me."

\---

"I think I'm starting to hate you.

"I hate what you've done to me. I feel so fucking empty inside and it's all your fault. Did you not care about me at all? Or was everyone right and you actually were a fake? Was I really so stupid to believe that you might've considered me a friend? You certainly acted like you didn't, sometimes. I suppose those were the times when you were genuinely being you. All the rest of it was just acting, was it? You got some sort of thrill from stringing me along, using me in your fucking pathetic attempt to... what? Prove your intelligence? Fool the whole world? Fool me.

"I've had too much to drink."

\---

 

"It's been a while. Sorry about that. I've been, er, busy. I met a... woman. She's really nice. Smart and kind and pretty. You'd hate her.

"I haven't told her about you yet. At first, in the bar, I hoped she'd recognise me, but my life's never been that easy. I'm going to have to tell her soon. The nightmares haven't stopped and I still sometimes pull the stories out the papers that I think you'll be interested in.

"I haven't been able to throw any of them away yet. I might keep them, just... in case. I can't stop thinking about it. Not that. You... God. You coming back. I wish it every night before I fall asleep. I don't even mean to. It just... happens.

"I, er. I have to go now...

"I miss you."

\---

"Everyone else has moved on and I still don't know how."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still practicing my John voice but hopefully you found this enjoyable. This was just a first in a number of character study based works, hopefully. Thanks very much for reading.


End file.
